Eeek! The Monster!!! Kill it!!! Or at least make it come already so I turn back into a rational... ok, more rational person!
Actually tiredness is the main problem I think. I don't really feel moody, except for yesterday and this morning. Coincided with me forgetting to take 5-HTP. I took it this morning and have been fine today.
So very tired. I usually get up at 5:30 if I'm walking the dog, 6 if I'm not. I couldn't drag myself out of bed until about 6:40 this morning. I came home at lunch and walked her, and did C25K after work. Fuck it was hard. It was the hardest session I've ever done - which doesn't make sense because I did the exact same session on Monday. My calves just tightened right up and then my hamstrings. It hurt and I was feeling much less fit than I was yesterday. I wanted to stop so bad and I nearly did, but then I would have been a quitter and I didn't want to be a quitter, so I finished it. I felt exhausted when I got home but.
Er, so then I had some toast with my dinner (again - damn you, bread and your crack-like qualities!)... and then an Eskimo Pie which I ate without even realising what I was doing. I stopped myself before I went back for the second one though. Argh.
I just want to have one week that goes exactly to plan! I suppose PMS week is probably a bit ambitious for that. I am really, really hoping for maintenance this week. Then I'd secretly know I'd lost weight, because I'm full of fluid. Even after drinking 5 or 6 Pump bottles yesterday! I feel so gross.
Fuck that Eskimo Pie was good though.
I think I have the PMS!
Actually I know I do. My tummy is all bloated and I cried this afternoon because I was cold and tired and I didn't want to go to the gym. So I told myself to quit being a baby, got changed and ready to go, then allowed myself half an hour to lie on the couch with the doona but then I had to go to the gym. I was so very tempted to stay there but I realised if I didn't go today I would have to change it all around and then I'd have to be at the gym on Friday. Who wants to go to the gym on a Friday night?
It also explains yesterday! I'd been planning to cook salmon and vegies for dinner but Bass Boy remembered he was having a jam with some of his mates and had to go almost straight after work. I was considering cooking the salmon anyway but soooooo didn't want it. After debating for almost half an hour I realised what I wanted - eggs on toast. Since I'm not meant to have starchy carbs for dinner, and I'd already had wheaty-starchy carbs for lunch (which should be once a day) I debated but I had to have it. So I had 2 eggs on some Noble Rise wholemeal toast with bbq sauce and a little sprinkle of cheese. It was seriously the best meal I can remember having in a long time. It sounds crazy but it was! It was just SO exactly what I wanted.
That was a long paragraph about eggs.
Oh yeah! I did C25K week 4 day 1 last night. And I didn't die! I ran for 5 mins! Twice! The program works! It really does!
Gotta go out for dinner for my nan's birthday on Sunday - at a shitty pub. Bass Boy suggested I use it as my treat meal but I'd rather have something I REALLY want, like maybe a dark chocolate Magnum (mmmm!!!!) than some fatty pub meal just because it's there. And generally some kind of grilled fish & salad is the best option at pubs, and it's always once of the most expensive things. And it's usually shit. D'oh.
Back to the gym today, I always find that when I really don't want to exercise but force myself to do it anyway, I work out harder than usual. This does not make sense. I got my planks up to 50 seconds! 4 weeks ago I was just about crying at the 30 second mark, when I would collapse.
I managed to get through yesterday mostly unscathed. I did a heap of cleaning (housework has been non-existent in our house for quite some time) and washing (still behind from when our washing machine was broken for 2 months!), I didn't eat any more nuts, I had some chicken & vegies for lunch and then shepherd's pie at mum's for dinner - which was probably more carby than I would normally have but I skipped the lunch carbs so don't think it was too damaging.
Exercise I did not get to though! By the time I finished up with the cleaning I had just enough time to shower and wash my hair before we had to go to mum & dad's. And afterwards I had to do the grocery shopping. I love doing it on a Sunday night! Heaps of stuff is marked down and it's empty.
I got up at 5:30 this morning and walked the dog! I haven't been able to drag myself out of bed to do that for like 2 weeks. Maybe cause last time it was dark and cold and pissing down - horrible walk, totally put me off. I got out of bed this morning by convincing myself that it's getting lighter earlier so it would be all nice and light outside. Of course it was still dark, although I think it would've been a fair bit lighter had it not been overcast.
I always enjoy being out in the early morning - I like the fact that when you walk past someone you say good morning. It doesn't seem to happen at any other time of the day, just a bit of secret comradarie between early-morning exercisers.
Oh yeah, today I'm wearing a top and a little short-sleeved waistcoaty thing both of which haven't fit me for aaaaaaaaaages! :D
Woohoo, heading into week 4!
Ugh, I feel crap today. I just want to eat chocolate and not exercise. Somehow I have to exercise, clean the house, walk the dog, do grocery shopping and have dinner with my parents! I can't seem to get moving.
Went to Shanghai Village for dumplings last night...mmmmm, dumplings. I felt really bloated after them though. Had a custard bun from a Chinese bakery that was pretty crap - afterwards I was really annoyed that I kept eating it even though I wasn't really enjoying it. And even though it was my treat meal, I feel guilty about it because I ate too much!
This morning I already went a little crazy on walnuts. Not too damaging but still. Annoying!
Bass Boy found out yesterday that his dad has bone cancer. He's terminal but we don't really have any details yet. His dad left when he was 4 and lives in WA so he doesn't know him very well. He's the youngest of 5 kids though so his siblings are probably feeling differently. I don't really know what to say to him about it.
Weigh in: 85.1
200g loss this week. I know a loss is a loss and all that, but I'm a little disappointed. Sigh!
Just got home from the gym. I don't usually get there til about 9:30 on Saturdays, and I'm always the only one there. It's starting to get busy by the time I leave - but busy at my gym is still not busy :D
Owww, it hurts to type!
I opened a new tub of cottage cheese just now - and I put the whole tub in the blender and make it all creamy because lumpy cottage cheese grosses me out. Anyway I blended it for aaaaaaages this morning and the texture is amazing! With strawberries and some sugar free maple syrup (my supermarket is stocking it again!) - it's so amazingly delicious I really can't believe it's good for me. Best snack EVER. I'd live on it.
It's such a beautiful day, maybe I'll go for a bike ride!
Should probably do some housework though...ughhhhhh
Happy Friday!!!
I had a coffee this morning and felt like shit afterwards. My ear didn't play up but it wasn't 100% and I felt sick and dizzy. I guess I really should give decaf a go.... but I don't wannnnnnaaaaaaa! :(
Major chocolate craving today - so for my afternoon snack I grabbed a 99 calorie stick of Old Gold which completely got rid of the craving (there's a first time for everything!). But after I finished it I wanted something else..... nuts! Grabbed some almonds and walnuts but felt like it was going to turn into a blowout. But nope! I was completely satisfied after the nuts - turns out I was just actually hungry! So that's why I was almost tempted by the work biscuits.... I didn't actually want them, they were just all that was available.
SOOOO didn't want to go out for my C25K session today but I forced myself to do it anyway and was glad I did - much easier than Wednesday! On Wednesday after the first 90secs my thoughts were "Fuck, how the hell am I going to do 3 mins of this??" but today it was "Is that it?". The program really works! Now I have to do Week 4.... I'm scaaaaaaaaared!!!!!!! 5 mins! Twice! AND 3 mins twice! How can I possibly do that?
Apparently this feeling is normal. Oh geez, then there's the real scary Week 5 day 3 - run for 20 mins!
I was going to have steak for dinner tonight but after the nuts and chocolate it's a bit too calorie dense so I'm going to have an omlette instead. I was really looking forward to the steak though! Oh well, I can have it tomorrow instead.
In other news, I FOUND MY PASSPORT TODAY!!!! I'd been looking for it everywhere and was about to report it lost and apply for a new one. Then I remembered a cupboard we don't use that I always forget is there... phew!!! Of course I thought the fee for a lost passport was $69 instead of the full $208, but after I found it I realised it's $69 plus the $208! SO SO glad I found it.
That and I only have one stamp in this one... really want to build on that, not start again!
I got some 5-HTP today. It's supposed to boost serotonin levels and help with depression and anxiety. Not that I'm depressed at the moment but I certainly am prone to it. I really hope it will help with anxiety though, because I'm kind of struggling with that.
I feel like such a Nana... I look forward to Friday nights because Bass Boy goes to his gig and I relax on the couch with 4 epsidoes in a row of SVU on Foxtel (it's my favourite show!). It's a bit sad, isn't it?
Well, I mean I'm only missing out on dodgy outer suburbian clubs and boozing until all hours of the morning. How would I get up for the gym?
Another gorgeous day! SPRING!!!! I love it.
Gym tonight although my hips are still sore from Tuesday :(
Apparently work will pay for my study - the catch? You have to stay on for at least one year after completing your study or you have to pay back the money for the previous year. Oh, and it has to be a full-fee paying course, not a Commonweath Supported Place (HECS). Apparently there's a way to do it so you don't end up out of pocket, with FEE-HELP but it's all a bit confusing. And I'm not sure how much they actually pay for - I'd be looking at about $10k/year for full-fee. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't pay all of it!
There's also study leave, 4 hours a week. And I'll be able to enter as Mixed Mode so I can do some stuff off-campus and some stuff on-campus - and since I work at the uni I'll be studying at, I should be able to physically go to some classes pretty easily.
So once I get back from NZ I'm going to start saving up... for an iMac. Ohhh yeahhh. And my dad can't get annoyed because he "only has Windows software" because I'll be able to run Windows on the Mac. Ha! I can get one for $1549 with educational discount. Although I reckon I should get a double discount as a staff member AND a student ;)
What a beautiful day it was in Melbourne today! Still a little cold, but the sun was lovely.
Well my glutamine theory got debunked this arvo - I had some in my preworkout shake again and then went off to do C25K - it was the hardest one yet! Maybe because I didn't want to do it and had it in my head that it was going to be really hard. Oh well.
Oh, and I spent 10 mins on the stair machine at the gym yesterday and it fucked my hips up. They've been rool sore all day so it hurt to run. Stupid dodgy hips! Curse you, childhood dancing!
Food = great. Actually I was about to go to bed last night and realised that my calories for the day were just over 1000. Eek! I had another protein shake to raise it a bit. They were a bit low today too so I had some toast with dinner - I was having a massive bread craving (it's been 3 weeks since I had any!). Bread included today is still only about 1300. Weird.
I'm at that point where I'm starting to think "This can't possibly be working, it's too easy". I guess it's just that once you get into a groove, it's not that difficult to exercise every day, and it's not that difficult to eat well as long as you're prepared.
So at the start of last year I was enrolled in a Bachelor of Science which I planned to study by distance education - don't even ask why, I just decided it would be a good thing to study??
Anyway, first semester began and I didn't even realise - not for a couple of weeks! Then when I did realise, I had an assignment due the next week! So I applied for intermission - I was so not prepared for study. I applied for intermission again this year, knowing that I didn't want to study it but not wanting to discontinue just yet - okay, so I couldn't discontinue online and I couldn't be bothered hunting down forms and filling them out and mailing htem.
Anyway I've decided to study IT next year but I didn't think I could apply for course transfer because I haven't attempted any units in my current degree. But I spoke to the lovely admissions folk today and they said I could! Yay! Easier than discontinuing and then going through the whole application process again.
I'm worried that it will be too full on and take over my life - but I really want to have some kind of useful qualification - as my current diploma is pretty much useless since I did nothing with it - it's been 4 years now so no employers in the field want to know about me. I don't want to be stuck in the job I'm in now, because it's boring. I just want to do something that I'm actually interested in (if not passionate about).
I hope I find myself interested enough in the coursework to study it for 6 years. Oh, I can't think about the 6 years. It's all too much. Well I guess first I have to get into the course. But I can't see why I wouldn't. My goal is to set up the back bedroom as a study before next year - at the moment it's the "aviary" - aka the room we keep the birds in so the cats don't kill them. I need to get a proper desk.
Rollercoaster of emotions! I started off cranky and angry and teary this morning - "My ear's gunna be fucked forever, there's no cure or treatment, it's not fair, blah blah blah!"
I was low all morning. Went for a walk at lunchtime and the ear was fine which perked me up straight away. You know yesterday was the first day in 2 weeks where I did nothing - not even a walk or anything. And it felt like it had been aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaages since I'd exercised. I seriously thought for a little bit there that I'd undone everything, that my fitness would be worse than ever. Crazy huh? Of course it wasn't.
Anyway, I got home from work and as I pulled into the driveway I saw that my green bag wasn't on the seat next to me. The green bag with my runners in it!!!! D'OH! Luckily I remembered an old pair of x-trainers I've barely worn cause I never liked them ;)
(they were actually pretty good for the gym. better than my falling-apart nikes!)
Crisis averted, I got to the gym and had like the best workout ever! My gym got new ellipticals (yayyy! they're like the good ones at my old gym now!!!) AND Foxtel. And I was like superwoman! I felt heaps fitter and stronger. I couldn't believe it. And then I remembered that after reading "for best results take 1/2 teaspoon before and after your workout" on my L-Glutamine I decided to try that. So maybe that was it? It was unreal anyway.
My little friend Ahmed was at the gym again. And he stared at me the WHOLE. TIME. Seriously, every time I looked up from whatever I was doing, he was STARING AT ME. I've always attracted particularly creepy guys. I don't know why.
Anyhoo, I'd better go and finish cooking tomorrow's lunch!
Today has been a bit of a nothing day. I had a coffee this morning and got all dizzy and nauseous and stayed that way all day. I was pretty tired too (Bass Boy coughing all night), ended up leaving work an hour early. I came home and crashed on the couch for a couple of hours.
However today I figured out what the fuck is wrong with me!!!
Patulous Eustachian Tube.
Patulous Eustachian tube, also known as patent Eustachian tube, is the name of a rare physical disorder where the Eustachian tube, which is normally closed, instead stays intermittently open. As a result, when it is open, all of the patient's breathing, talking, swallowing, heart beat, etc. vibrates directly on the ear drum creating an effect that sounds like the patient has a bucket on his/her head. The medical term for this phenomenon is autophony, the hearing of self-generated sounds.
Exercise is a major trigger! Lying down gives relief. Rapid weight loss can be a cause (it came on early 2005 when I was heartbroken and lost something like 20kgs in 3 months).
Unfortunately there is no cure, not really any treatment (although a suggested one is GAIN WEIGHT WTF).
People who suffer from PET can find playing sport difficult as the increased breathing pushing onto the ear drum can become very noisy and can sometimes lead to a period of increased tinnitus after the event.I realised I'm kind of lucky though - some people have it PERMANENTLY. All the time. I found a message board about it and a whole heap of them were posting about wanting to kill themselves. I reckon I'd be the same.
So apparently there's some Chinese herb and some nasal drops that caused relief for some people, more severe treatment includes cartilage grafts to close up the tube although it seems like it only provided temporary relief for a few people. Everyone on the message board was raving about some doctor in Boston - including a couple of Australians who reckon he's worth going to see!
Why can't it just be something simple? With a simple answer?
I did read of a potential correlation between PET and TMJ - I've never been diagnosed with TMJ but I do have a lot of jaw clicking and some pain on the same side. And I clench my jaw. So this all relates back to anxiety, which I have in bucketloads.
I think my dizziness and vertigo is caused by anxiety over the PET, btw.
Anyway, I finally found somewhere in Aus where I could buy 5-HTP which is supposed to help boost serotonin levels. We'll see how that goes with anxiety. I'd really prefer to avoid prescription anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medications after a stint on them as a teenager - which is why I haven't ever gone to my doctor since about such things.
Bah, anyway, today became my rest day. Eating - spot on at least! I guess I've just gotta keep doing what I'm doing - exercise and just sit down and chill for a bit if the ear becomes a problem. I hope it fucks off soon though - and now I'm scared that it'll just block up and stay that way forever :\
Oh and I've got this really really sore spot in my shoulder - a trigger spot? Is that what they're called? Anyway it's driving me nuts!
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