13 weeks

40 days! Sounds like a long time.

I forgot to post yesterday - was busy at work all day and then a friend popped round after I got back from the gym and by the time she left I was falling asleep on the couch!

I was on my lunchtime walk yesterday, thinking about what I was going to do last night when the following thought popped into my head:
"Ooh, I get to go to the gym today!"

Seriously. Not "I have to go" - "I get to go"!

I told Bass Boy and he said I was a freak. I said "I like the gym because it makes me strong and hot."

I think I should print that out and stick it somewhere for next time I don't want to go!

Of course then I had one of those really annoying gym sessions when it's not even busy but there was always someone using what I wanted to use!

However because of this I used the 45 degree leg press for the first time ever! I've always been scared of it and stuck to the seated leg press. I don't know why I've been scared of it, it's been like the one thing in the gym that I've always avoided. I liked it though and my quads are actually sore today, which they haven't been in weeks! I think I always back off a bit on the quads because I know the next day I'll be running and don't want to be too sore.

Unfortunately I feel sicker today. I've got a bit of a cough and feel a bit bleh. Nooo! I'm supposed to get BETTER!

Oh, that's right. I peeked at the scale this morning and saw 84.2! Now last week with the illness and not eating properly I saw 84.9 on the scale, but that wasn't on official weigh-in day. Last official weigh-in was 84.5. So at the moment I've either had a 300g loss or 700g loss. Either way I'm not complaining! I can't believe I can still manage a decent result after a massive binge.

I feel so different about all of this stuff than I have in a long, long time. Or maybe even ever. In the past getting sick has just thrown me right off the wagon. When I got down to my lowest weight, it was a cold that stuffed everything up - I was sick for a week and then I just was over exercise and eating well, and well, here I am 2.5 years and 10+ kilos later. Looking back at my CalorieKing weigh-ins I realised I haven't been in the 70s since late 2006. I've been bouncing around the 80s for 2 years, and this is my first time under 85 in over a year. I am ACHING to get back there. I want it so bad, more than ever. And I'm really not hating on myself as much over it as I have before.

I've been obsessively looking over old photos of myself and trying to figure out where I fit in now - because my body composition has changed so I don't know if I look the same at this weight as I did a year ago, for example. I don't want to get obsessive because it always leads to failure but I just want that feeling again, more than anything. That feeling when you walk into a shop and know that if a piece of clothing doesn't look good, it's just because it doesn't suit you, not because you're too fat for it. The first time I bought a size 10 dress. Looking at photos taken of myself and realising that my arms/legs/face are so much smaller than I've been seeing in the mirror. Knowing that bad photos are just that, bad photos, not the reality of how big I am.

I'm getting close to having lost 5kgs - I haven't lost 5kgs for 2 1/2 years. The most I have ever lost since then is 3, before gaining 4. I haven't stuck to an exercise or healthy eating plan for longer than 1.5 weeks for a year - and when I did it a year ago my heart wasn't in it.

Oh, my original point was that getting back to exercise after only taking 4 days off to sickness (and I still went for long walks on 2 of those days) is completely unheard of for me. I've never enjoyed exercise so much. I think the biggest challenge has been days where I can't be arsed cooking dinner, of which I've had a few. But I either just get on with it or whip up something quick that still fits into my plan. I know what days are the worst for me not wanting to cook and I choose things that are really quick and easy to prepare. I get up early to cook lunches for work if I haven't done it the night before. And it really has just become habit.

I want this. I really, really want this.

My cousin is having an engagement party at the end of October - I have a dress that hasn't fit me since 2006. I tried it on a couple of weeks ago and it did up and everything but was wayyyy too tight. I put it on again yesterday and it felt like it could almost be wearable. I want to wear that dress to the engagement party, and I want it to fit perfectly.