13 weeks

He proposed in the snow at the top of Fox Glacier when we flew up there in a helicopter. It was perfect! I'm very happy. :)

Oh, and after all my pre-trip stress-eating and my during-trip delicious NZ food eating and beer drinking I'm up about 3kgs. Nothing really, I reckon a week of eating well will take a fair chunk off that. Geez, will have to get serious now, I do NOT want to be one of those brides who freaks out 4 weeks before the wedding and goes on a starvation diet!

(I reckon I've got about 18 months to get sorted, anyhow)

I know I've been slack but I don't really care.
I go away on Monday and my ear has been fucked for weeks. I just keep hoping it's sticking around because of pre-holiday stress (stress makes it worse) and that it will go away once I get there. I am so scared that it's just going to ruin my holiday. I'm PMSy too and I can't stop crying because I'm so fucking sick of it.

Exercise makes it worse so I haven't done any. Just been stress-eating.

I hate this so much. It's ruining my life.

Oops! Damn, I was so dedicated to this blogging thing back at the start! There's been too much going on I suppose.

Had a 200g gain on Saturday, weighed in at 83.0. I was disappointed but it was my own fault as I had been pretty complacent during the week.

This week has been much better and despite another weekend full of crap food I checked this morning and was down 700g to 82.3. That's the lowest weight so far! I even ate MACCAS on the weekend!

18 sleeps til NZ - I don't think I'll crack the 70s but in a way I'm kind of glad because I know I'm bound to put on a bit of weight while I'm away and I think it would be a bit depressing to get into the 70s only to jump back out straight after. When I return I will piss the 80s off for good though, that's for sure.

I'm feeling pretty good regardless - most of my clothes are fitting me now, and these are clothes that I bought when I was between 75-80kgs so I must have a fair bit more muscle now. I feel pretty cute when I look in the mirror instead of feeling disgusted by my reflection. I feel fit and strong.

So in other news, Bass Boy has been acting a little strange lately. He had to refinance his car loan for our trip - just a bit of bad luck really. Anyway he won't tell me how much he took out which is unusual in our relationship as we're very open with that kind of stuff. He's changed his email password (again, I've always had access - I book things in his name and then go and get out the confirmation emails etc). Last night I used his laptop and his history was full of jeweler's websites!!! I don't want to get my hopes up or anything but marriage is definitely something we've talked about and I feel ready to go there and I think a New Zealand proposal would just be the most romantic and awesomest thing ever. My very inquisitive nature makes me want to snoop further but that would just be silly, wouldn't it!

I have become such a slack blogger! It was inevitable I suppose. ;)

Had a 100g loss on Saturday, but was expecting a gain so wasn't complaining. Ate too much crap on the weekend again! Argh! Must stop that.

I bought some new dresses yesterday, one is a bit too tight but it is the hottest dress I've ever owned so I feel very inspired for it to fit properly! It makes my waist look real little and makes me feel kinda 50s pinup girly. It's a black & white polka dot thing. Hott.

I swear my biggest problem with losing weight is that I start enjoying clothes shopping wayyy too much! haha

Got a really bad stomachache at about lunchtime today. I sat it out for an hour and then left work early, doubled over in pain. Came home took some buscopan and fell asleep for 3 hours. I really want this week to be spot on and was thinking my tummy had stuffed Monday! But I was feeling better after a while so I got on the tready and ran for 20 mins (it's getting easier!) and made dinner. So today has ended up being spot on - woohoo!

It's my cousin's engagement this weekend so I will be avoiding any stomach-bloating carby things.

Oh - and I've had 4 people comment on my shrinking! It makes me feel a little uncomfortable but good at the same time.

Well, my weigh-in on Saturday was 82.9 - 1.1kg loss! I wrote up a whole post on the day and then got distracted, and then Bass Boy used my computer to check his bank balance and then closed Firefox on me! I cracked it - I never close Firefox, just shut down leaving it open so I can always restore the session - I'm always clicking links in blogs and such but might not get to reading them for a few days you see.

I ate a whole heap of crap over the weekend so that was pretty stupid. I've been struggling on weekends lately. This week is going to be a bit strange because I'm staying in a hotel in the city for 2 nights - Bass Boy has a work conference and they're putting him up in a 5 star hotel! Sweet! So I don't really know how I'm going to sort out meals yet.

I've discovered that I'm most likely to take a day off exercise on Monday - but then almost as likely to also take one off on Sunday. So I really need to make sure I do it on Monday so I can take Sunday off guilt-free. Yesterday I got home, took the dog for an hour-long walk, then got on the tready for C25k (10/3/10mins). It was bin night so I changed the kitty litter and was going to go visit my folks - figuring Bass Boy could help with the rest of the rubbish later. Then I thought I could just pick up the rubbish in the lounge room (including bits of dog toy scattered everywhere). It turned into a full-on cleaning frenzy which hasn't happened in my house for a long, long time.

I feel so much better now that the house is clean! Well, the most lived in parts at least.

Hmm. I had a bit of a blow-out last night. I was just so hungry ALL. DAY. No matter what I ate! It was crazy. Nestle Diet desserts are a good low-calorie treat but er, not when you have four of them. Not all at once I should add, spread out over the day. But still! That was after the toast I had, and the two egg toasties for dinner. Who eats 6 pieces of bread in one day?! Crazy.

Anyway I felt much more sane today except for a chocolate teddy bear biscuit. They were put down right next to my bloody desk! Argh.

Went to the gym tonight - I was all tired beforehand and "I don't wannnnaaaa" but of course as soon as I'm there I enjoy it. Stupid exercise! Why can't I just always want to do you??

I found some dresses stashed away that didn't fit before and they do now. This is so much more fun than stashing clothes away while cracking the shits because they don't fit anymore! Heh.

I should really lay off the Nestles and chocolate teddy bears. Eek.

Ooh, Law & Order time.

omg I am having such a hungry day today!!! And today someone also put a box of goddamn fundraiser chocolates in the kitchen at work. As if I would have even THOUGHT about a mini-block of Crunchie chocolate if it hadn't been there! I didn't buy any, and I won't, but man, every time I went to fill up my water or make a cup of tea there it was, staring me in the face! I ended up putting a dairy milk one on top. Dairy milk - pffft! Borrring.

Anyway I got home and had some toast with honey - I was craving sweet, sweet carbs and I figured if I just had exactly what I wanted then I wouldn't go on to eat a whole bunch of other crap. And hey! It worked!

I had a rest day on Monday - it was unintentional but by the time I'd done grocery shopping, made dinner and washed my hair it was bedtime. So since yesterday was gym, today meant running. And boy did I not want to do it. I was wondering if it would be so bad to skip it and then I started trying on some too-small clothes. I only tried them on a couple of weeks ago but the difference was massive! The dress I wanted to fit into for my cousin's engagement at the end of the month - fits! Oh, except it has a dodgy zip (always has) - always gets stuck at a seam about an inch from the top (it's hidden away under the arms though). Anyway today it went right up.... AND WOULDN'T COME BACK DOWN AGAIN!!! I was seriously stuck in this dress and no one was home. I was freaking out! I didn't want to have to wreck the dress to get it off but I could not get that zip undone.

I was thinking about driving to my parent's house and getting them to help but I really didn't want to do that! In the end I got a fork and stuck a prong in the little hole on the zip - I was worried it would just break handley bit but it worked - although it got some of my skin on the way down. Ouch. Man that was terrifying. Target dresses are notorious for dodgy zips - I've been stuck in them in their dressing rooms before too.

Anyway. I was amazed at this completely visible difference in my body - I guess I never had a whole selection of too-small clothes before so I could never really see it. Oh - and today I wore a pair of jeans to work that haven't fit me for about 18 months! All of this got me on the tready. And then the bike, since I missed out on a lunchtime walk today. All good.

I dunno if I should do measurements/photos this week or next - being conscious that it's PMS time and I'll probably be bloated. Speaking of PMS, you know what I feel like eating right now? Creamy pasta! I hate pasta with creamy sauces! I haven't eaten a creamy-sauced pasta for about 8 years I reckon. wtf!!!!

Less than 6 weeks til NZ!

Have I really not posted since last Wednesday?! I didn't realise. I've been a bad blogger!

I had a pretty crap week last week. I had 3 days with no exercise and food was a bit off. I just felt like shit all week - tired, lethargic, cranky. I was meant to go to the gym on Friday but got held up at work so then got stuck in the worst of the traffic on my way home. It was cold and raining and all I wanted to do was curl up and sleep. So I did.

Saturday was an even worse day - again, I'd planned on going to the gym since I didn't go Friday but just couldn't get moving. I was crying at the drop of a hat and barely moved the whole day. Didn't even go outside. I felt a bit sick in the stomach too and hardly ate anything for the whole day.

Actually I noticed a few days of hardcore moodiness at around the same time last month - right in the middle of my cycle. Could ovulation cause such things? Hmmm. Maybe I'm just bipolar.

Yesterday I got up and got my arse down to the gym and felt on top of the world afterwards! Stupid exercise and it's happy-inducing properties! Went to Sassafras with the intentions of going to Miss Marples but there was almost a 2 hour wait so we went elsewhere instead. Had a handcrumbed parma which was very nice but what I really wanted was hot chips, thick-cut homestyle and it got served with fries. and I swear there wasn't even any potato in them. So I didn't eat them - normally I would have even though I didn't want them!

Oh yeah, I weighed in at 84 on Saturday - 500g gain. But it was back down to 83.6 yesterday so hopefully it'll drop more during the week.

I did a run on Thursday - 10/3/10 run/walk/run. I really struggled and it put me off attempting the next workout - a 25 min run. I'm still too scared! I might repeat the week and try building up to that again.

This week I have learned why it's not good to spend an entire day boozing. I'm only just feeling back to normal today! It's Wednesday! Surely it shouldn't take 3 days to recover! And I wouldn't even say entirely back to normal today, because I still really struggled to get out of bed this morning. Although that could just be because work is really pissing me off this week and I don't want to be here.

Anyway Monday became a rest day because I was tired and cranky and cold and hungry.. bit too much snacking in the afternoon...

Yesterday wasn't bad, I forced myself onto the tready after hours of whinging "I don't wannnaaaa". Of course it was exactly what I needed and made me feel a lot better.

I had an awesome dinner last night, satay chicken skewers -

• 2 Tbs peanut butter
• 1 Tbs sweet chilli sauce
• 2 Tbs soy sauce
• 2 Tbs lemon juice
• 1 clove garlic (I just used a teaspoon of the Gourmet Garden garlic paste)
• 1 tsp sugar
• 2-3 spring onions
  
• 400-500g chicken breast, cut into about 2cm pieces
• 6-8 bamboo skewers

1. Soak the bamboo skewers in cold water.
2. Mix everything except chicken in a bowl until it forms a paste - I actually used half sanitarium natural peanut butter and half kraft just to make it a bit thicker.
3. Mix the chicken in until well covered, refrigerate for at least 30 minutes.
4. Thread chicken pieces onto skewer and cook under a grill for about 4 minutes each side. I had my grill at 200°C.

MMMM!!!! I used 400g chicken and that made 6 skewers. Works out to about 130 calories per skewer.

I know I say this a lot but I really don't think I'll see a loss on the scale this week. In fact I'm pretty much resigned to a gain. D'oh! I really want to hit the 5kgs lost mark.

I survived Saturday! I didn't do too badly, really. I had 6 beers and 4 Jim Beam premixes - with sugar free cola. Of course drinking that much isn't ideal, but it's grand final day! And you know, last year I was going to "stick to the plan" - I only "allowed" myself 2 beers and I think I took my own food, and you know, I ended up drinking and eating WAY more that day than I did this time, when I allowed myself a "day off".

My lunch wasn't too bad, I had a tiny portion of our host's fried rice, a chicken & veg rissole on a wholemeal roll with salad and a gluten free sausage.

Of course I did enjoy some lollies and dark chocolate M&Ms over the course of the day, but meh. By the time it got to dinner I was at a different person's house and couldn't see straight, but I think I ate some very questionable pasta and scalloped potatoes. But only a little bit, because I felt sick from all the booze. I just figured that if I ate something I might feel better. I didn't.

Got home at midnight and passed out in bed, only to wake up at 6am on the couch. Uh oh. Sometimes after drinking I sleepwalk. Well, not really sometimes - this was the 3rd time ever, that I know of. It was the first time I've woken up somewhere other than my bed - in the past I've only found out because people have told me.

It was the scariest thing - I've never had blackouts from drinking or anything like that so to wake up somewhere different to where I fell asleep just freaked me the fuck out. Apparently I'd knocked over a bottle of water, picked it up and took it out to the kitchen to refill it. Then I came back to bed put the water bottle down, and left again. Bass Boy didn't realise I was doing this IN MY SLEEP.

Yesterday was a bit of a write-off, all carbs and too many pretzels. Meh. I resisted all urges for McDonalds cheeseburgers so I'll call it a success ;)

Weigh-in: 83.5

Woohoo! I didn't have a proper weigh-in last week so that's a kilo gone in 2 weeks - but of course there was the days of sickness in there too! So you can eat too many slices of pizza and erm, a block of chocolate and still lose weight! Well... I suppose you wouldn't want to be doing that on any kind of regular basis, but anyway.

Got to the gym nice and early this morning so I could have a chance at arriving at the GFD bbq before the game starts. Except then I waited wayyy too long for coffee at the shops and now I'm sitting here blogging instead of getting ready and it's 12pm so er.... I should get moving really. Need to wash my hair and clean out the esky and get drinks.

I realised that apart from a couple of hoodies and some workout gear (that I had to buy a few months ago when my old pants didn't fit anymore!) I haven't bought any clothes this year, due to my miserable state. And for the last few years it's become somewhat a tradition for me to buy a new outfit for the grand final, I dunno why. Anyway so I bought a dress and it's rool cute. And I feel pretty cute too.

Only 3.6kgs til I'm out of the 80s!!!

I ran for 20 minutes straight!!!!! I have never run for 20 minutes in my whole entire life! Prior to today, the longest I have ever run without stopping is 8 minutes, and I did that on Wednesday.

I thought I was going to die, and I almost stopped a couple of times but sometimes being really stubborn is handy because I just kept telling myself that I didn't want to be a quitter and I kept going.

Usually it's physical pain that makes me want to stop - running hurts! Today it was mainly for cardio fitness reasons. I was almost gasping for air by the end, but I made it! As I typed that I realised that I'm the same after an interval session on a bike/elliptical but it feels completely different to being puffed out from running for some reason.

I did it on the treadmill. Actually I've kind of gone back to the tready, partly because I chickened out, partly because I hate the only flat part around here, it's also the dodgiest part of the neighbourhood, partly because I read somewhere something about how beginners shouldn't run on concrete, and partly that combined with the fact that I have terrible, terrible shoes. I got them early 2006, they started falling apart within a few months (around the top) and now the soles are run riiiight down. I just don't want to spend money on new shoes before NZ but I also don't want to injure myself. Treadmill is a bit more cushioned.

Anyway, it's pretty warm in the house today so by the end of the 20 minutes I felt like I'd jumped in a pool. Actually, it was more like I'd done a few laps in an indoor pool - that wet, sweaty feeling. Ewwwww!

Oh, and because I'm currently a bit scale-obsessed, I decided to see how much I'd sweated out - scale said 84.0. I drank a glass of water and then it said 84.6! But the glass was only 350mls... so shouldn't it have only been 350 grams? I call shenanigans!


P.S. I got my bits waxed this morning and It seemed there was a little bit of wax left around the area of my arse crack (hott!) and so the stickiness and the running gave a bit of chafing and now my arse is killing me!

40 days! Sounds like a long time.

I forgot to post yesterday - was busy at work all day and then a friend popped round after I got back from the gym and by the time she left I was falling asleep on the couch!

I was on my lunchtime walk yesterday, thinking about what I was going to do last night when the following thought popped into my head:
"Ooh, I get to go to the gym today!"

Seriously. Not "I have to go" - "I get to go"!

I told Bass Boy and he said I was a freak. I said "I like the gym because it makes me strong and hot."

I think I should print that out and stick it somewhere for next time I don't want to go!

Of course then I had one of those really annoying gym sessions when it's not even busy but there was always someone using what I wanted to use!

However because of this I used the 45 degree leg press for the first time ever! I've always been scared of it and stuck to the seated leg press. I don't know why I've been scared of it, it's been like the one thing in the gym that I've always avoided. I liked it though and my quads are actually sore today, which they haven't been in weeks! I think I always back off a bit on the quads because I know the next day I'll be running and don't want to be too sore.

Unfortunately I feel sicker today. I've got a bit of a cough and feel a bit bleh. Nooo! I'm supposed to get BETTER!

Oh, that's right. I peeked at the scale this morning and saw 84.2! Now last week with the illness and not eating properly I saw 84.9 on the scale, but that wasn't on official weigh-in day. Last official weigh-in was 84.5. So at the moment I've either had a 300g loss or 700g loss. Either way I'm not complaining! I can't believe I can still manage a decent result after a massive binge.

I feel so different about all of this stuff than I have in a long, long time. Or maybe even ever. In the past getting sick has just thrown me right off the wagon. When I got down to my lowest weight, it was a cold that stuffed everything up - I was sick for a week and then I just was over exercise and eating well, and well, here I am 2.5 years and 10+ kilos later. Looking back at my CalorieKing weigh-ins I realised I haven't been in the 70s since late 2006. I've been bouncing around the 80s for 2 years, and this is my first time under 85 in over a year. I am ACHING to get back there. I want it so bad, more than ever. And I'm really not hating on myself as much over it as I have before.

I've been obsessively looking over old photos of myself and trying to figure out where I fit in now - because my body composition has changed so I don't know if I look the same at this weight as I did a year ago, for example. I don't want to get obsessive because it always leads to failure but I just want that feeling again, more than anything. That feeling when you walk into a shop and know that if a piece of clothing doesn't look good, it's just because it doesn't suit you, not because you're too fat for it. The first time I bought a size 10 dress. Looking at photos taken of myself and realising that my arms/legs/face are so much smaller than I've been seeing in the mirror. Knowing that bad photos are just that, bad photos, not the reality of how big I am.

I'm getting close to having lost 5kgs - I haven't lost 5kgs for 2 1/2 years. The most I have ever lost since then is 3, before gaining 4. I haven't stuck to an exercise or healthy eating plan for longer than 1.5 weeks for a year - and when I did it a year ago my heart wasn't in it.

Oh, my original point was that getting back to exercise after only taking 4 days off to sickness (and I still went for long walks on 2 of those days) is completely unheard of for me. I've never enjoyed exercise so much. I think the biggest challenge has been days where I can't be arsed cooking dinner, of which I've had a few. But I either just get on with it or whip up something quick that still fits into my plan. I know what days are the worst for me not wanting to cook and I choose things that are really quick and easy to prepare. I get up early to cook lunches for work if I haven't done it the night before. And it really has just become habit.

I want this. I really, really want this.

My cousin is having an engagement party at the end of October - I have a dress that hasn't fit me since 2006. I tried it on a couple of weeks ago and it did up and everything but was wayyyy too tight. I put it on again yesterday and it felt like it could almost be wearable. I want to wear that dress to the engagement party, and I want it to fit perfectly.

Not much to report today, really. Food has been spot on, I walked the dog this morning, went for a walk at lunchtime and did Week 5 Day 2 of C25K - running for 8 minutes! Twice! Friday is a 20 minute run, no walks. Apparently it's perfectly normal to be terrified of this day.

I think I've pulled a muscle in my back/side area. I dunno how, I got back from my lunchtime walk, sat down to eat my lunch and then when I got up next all this pain just shot through the area. It's only hurting when I move certain ways and didn't give me any trouble while running at least. Annoying but.

Did a scale check tonight and it was 84.9. I've been seeing 86s all week so phew! I'm a little bit hopeful about a loss on the official weigh-in day - imagine that, a loss after a pizza/chocolate/500-calorie raisin toast/bakery treats/sausage/biscuit-filled weekend.

I'm not even going to try and be perfect on Grand Final Day. I tried it last year and ended up absolutely smashed and eating whatever I could get my hands on. I figure I'll buy a 6-pack of Pure Blonde and pack a few bottles of water with it in the esky. Then again that could backfire too, because it's such a LONG day - there's a definite possibility I'll end up with a lampshade on my head doing shots off a stranger.

Anyway. I'm going to have a snack before I go and indulge in a sausage there - they're having a "salad-off" and giving a prize for the tastiest salad? Whatever. Anyway I figure that means there'll be some healthy options.

Ooh, maybe I should take some red wine. My worry about beer is that it goes down too easily. I can't drink red wine fast no matter how hard I try. Maybe I'll have that for backup...

Ugh, I just don't want a hangover on Sunday! At least it'll be a scheduled rest day.

Today has been a good day!

Yesterday I got home, sat around, ate some rice cakes, had a cup of coffee, felt crap afterwards, tried to avoid the treadmill (it was pissing down outside!), tried to talk myself into not wanting to avoid the treadmill, eventually got off my arse and got on the treadmill and started C25K week 5! Run 5/walk 3 x 3.

I felt 10000000 times better afterwards too. I suppose exercise is a "natural decongestant". I realised that I'd been scared that after a few days off all my fitness would have vanished.

Today I got home from work, had a protein shake and did all the preparation for dinner and tomorrow's lunch (cutting up vegies and cooking onions and such). Then I went to the gym and had another one of those weird days where I felt freakishly fit and strong. Bass Boy reckons it was probably cause the time off meant I was completely recovered. I really thought I would've been a bit weaker.

I realised that I'm enjoying exercise more than I have in years at the moment. I look forward to going to the gym (most of the time) and I haven't looked forward to gym sessions for soooo long.

I was looking through old photos last night and put a bunch up on my facebook - it was 2006 when I got down to my lowest weight evar. Of course I didn't appreciate it one bit and all I could see was how far I still had to go. But I looked hot as. I had a short bright red fauxhawk and it was awesome. Makes me want to cut my hair off again. Except I've been growing it for 2 years and it's all long and girly and pretty. Oh, and the reason that I started growing it in the first place was because I was getting skinny and I wanted to see what I looked like skinny with long hair. And I still want to see that! But everyone reckons it looks better short.

Geez I'm rambling today. Speaking of hair, I should go and dry it and go to bed.

See, if I cut it off I wouldn't have to wash it at night and spend 50 billion years blow drying it. Sigh.

Back at work... I still feel pretty crappy but I'm getting there.

I lost the plot over the weekend. I caved, I had the pizza and I had way too much chocolate. And you know what, I didn't even enjoy it.

Then yesterday I had some raisin toast and a coffee for breakfast, except I bought that cafe-style raisin toast and after I ate it realised that each slice is about 235 calories! Then Bass Boy brought me home something from the Beechworth Bakery on his way home from Ballarat (gig). Then I had oven fish/wedges for dinner (too many wedges!) and then we went to his mum's house and I had a sausage in bread!

I'm back on track today but I can't help feeling like I've undone everything.

I just feel miserable at the moment. I hate working in an office. It just sucks the life out of me.
No choice at the moment unfortunately. Please let me win the lottery, Universe!

Bah, I'm just feeling all crappy and sorry for myself.
I want to get back into exercise but don't know what sort of intensity to go for. I took the dog on a 7.3km walk yesterday and was moving very slowly. I wasn't completely buggered afterwards but I don't think I could've gone any faster - the walk took 90 minutes.

I am alive!

Man, yesterday was so awful. My temperature was up around 38.5 all day and I could barely move. I've been wearing a pedometer for the stupid 10,000 steps challenge and haven't been under 12,000 all week - except yesterday. Step total? 500! I only got up to go from couch to toilet.

I've gone through an an entire box of tissues in 2 days!

Man I hate being sick.

I couldn't eat yesterday except for some vegemite toast. My appetite is better today, does that mean I can balance it out with pizza? ;)

Ughhhh.

I miss the gym. No, really.

Oh yeah, I forgot to weigh myself this morning but was hovering around 84.9 (+ 400g) yesterday. Considering I've only really been eating bread that's not surprising.

Illness strikes.

Everyone around me has been getting knocked down with colds and flus and I've felt like I've been running a "I'M NOT GETTING YOUR DIRTY GERMS" gauntlet.

But I can fight no more!

I had a sore throat last night, then woke up with razor blades in there and total nasal congestion. I was really tired but didn't feel too sluggish. I stayed home anyway, and because I knew I wouldn't have the energy for a proper workout I walked to the shops (for Strepsils etc) and to the doctors - about 5kms total. This afternoon the feeling like death part of the cold rocked up. Now I feel like shit.

BOOOOOOOO.

I've been snacking all day too. Mostly on corn thins but still.

Definitely expecting a gain this week. Unfortunately I think this puts me into a "Might as well make the most of it!" mindset. Silly.

Today I woke up in excruciating pain. Actually I woke up a few times during the night with it too. Once every 4-6 months I reckon, this happens. I was also almost in tears from just feeling sad as soon as I woke up too so I stayed home from work and spent all morning sobbing on the couch with a wheat bag over my tummy!

Surely that's not normal?

Anyway I forced myself off the couch and into the shower, then decided a walk in the sunshine would make me feel better. So the dog and I went for a big walk (7.3kms) - and it did make me feel better! So I came home and made dinner, Bass Boy went to rehearsal and I went to the gym.

Remind me to avoid the gym at peak time at all costs! It STANK! Do all mixed gyms stink or is mine just gross? Fernwood never stank!

And the people are disgusting! There was CHEWY in the drink holder on the elliptical I used, and a heap of chewy wrappers scattered around it. Who even chews gum at the gym anyway? There were empty cans of V on the ground, empty water bottles everywhere. Seriously - what the fuck is wrong with people?

Anyway, I got through my workout and no longer have any desire to eat any of the Eskimo Pies I remembered were in the freezer just before I left, so this is good!

Oh that's right - this is huge, I can't believe I almost forgot. I was at home ALL DAY, by myself, and I didn't eat anything that wasn't part of the plan! I seriously don't think I've ever done that before. Especially with how miserable I was feeling! I'm very impressed with myself.

I still feel like I must've gained like, 14 kilos overnight though. Damn water-retaining carbs.

ARGHH!!!! Seriously, even though I've been PMSy for a week, my period only started this afternoon. And it brought chaos with it! I skipped my workout today for the first (non health-related) time! And I decided to have my treat meal for the week - I wanted wedges with sour cream so thought I'd go the oven variety. Except when I got home the oven trays were dirty and so I cried and Bass Boy took me out on a date to go and have wedges.

But because I skipped the workout I just feel like a big fat deep-fried potato eating failure!

I can't let my uterus derail me every 4 weeks. It's ridiculous. I just feel so down about everything. It's like I take pre-mentrual moodiness to the next level. I have pre-menstrual bi-polar.

Now I have to go to the gym tomorrow. And that means I have to go on Friday! Although I could probably do it Thursday, really. It's not ideal but just once won't kill me.

I want a cup of tea and my pyjamas. And chocolate. Always chocolate.

Damn, I missed a day again!

Into Week 5 now - 9 weeks to go!

The weekend wasn't the greatest, foodwise. I had a big lunch on Saturday - homemade burger and a funny face biscuit from the bakery (treat). Didn't have that until 3-4pm so wasn't hungry for the rest of the day - except for some racing cars and pineapple lollies that fell into my mouth! Oops.

Yesterday I was all emotional and had a moment of weakness and spoons of milo & peanut butter. Not too damaging but annoying. Went out for dinner last night and had the healthiest option on the menu - salad with lettuce/tomato/cucumber/fetta, grilled chicken tenderloins on a piece of pita bread with balsamic vinegar. I didn't eat the pita bread but the chicken was a bit oily.

I didn't drink anywhere near enough water yesterday though...

Oh! But I got 7 gold stars on my exercise chart for the week! First time!

I know I haven't even had my NZ holiday yet but I'm daydreaming about Europe. It's just so daunting when you add up how much money would be required. I'd love to do it in 2010 and I reckon I could save in time but Bass Boy just can't seem to do it. I don't know, I feel like he's not even really committed to NZ - he's going to have to get a loan to go because he hasn't saved any money. And he still hasn't got his passport sorted.

To be fair I refinanced my car loan but that was due to a career mishap earlier in the year that left me with a lot of credit card debt. I just couldn't get out of it so I refinanced to pay off my card and got an extra $3k for the trip - but by the time we go I will have saved another $3k on top of that.

I'm hoping that this trip will give him the travel bug (he's never been overseas) and then hopefully he will be more interested in saving for the big Euro adventure. He has said he really wants to go to Italy. I guess I can't imagine what it would be like to have never traveled overseas at this age - my first (of many) o/s holidays was when I was about 18 months old (travel consultant mum)!

I've been looking at Contiki tours. I've always been kind of against them but the idea of planning a Europe trip when I've never been there and don't know anything about getting around and accommodation etc - it would be nice to be on a tour in that sense. And I found one that goes almost everywhere I really want to see. It's $5k for 29 days.

Perhaps I should just get through NZ first eh?

Why can't I just be rich, dammit!

Weigh in: 84.5

In your face, PMS! 600g loss!

I was really really hoping to get under 85. Now I'm closer to 80 than 90, you see.

I also took measurements and photos last night. I couldn't see much of a difference in the photos, although I'm pretty sure I have one leg a fair bit longer than the other. I look all lopsided and my stomach is all squished up on one side and all straight on the other! I look like a freak! :(

	Week 1	Week 4	Difference
Chest	97.5	95.5	-2
Waist	79	75	-4
Hips	107.5	104	-3.5
Arm	34.5	32.5	-2
Thigh	66	64	-2
Neck	31.5	30.5	-1
Shoulder	101	100.5	-0.5
Calf	41	41	-
Ankle	23	24.5	+1.5

I think my feet must've been swollen last night!!! It was right after exercise, does exercise make feet swell? The calf can't be right either. My boots will tell you they are smaller!

I skipped C25K last night - got home and had to make dinner which took longer than I thought. And I'd been out in the wind earlier and my sinuses are still paying for it now. So I did a "Sprint 8" session on my bike - 8 sprint intervals of 30 secs, with 90 sec recoveries. It took a long time to convince myself to do it but I am determined to get 7 gold stars on my exercise chart this week!

Aw crap! I missed a day! I was doing so well there too.

Yesterday had its ups and downs - I walked the dog first thing in the morning, and my food was all on track. I went to the gym after work and my ear played up - and it had been so good for the last couple of weeks!

Sometimes when it happens while I'm exercising, I get really distressed and panic - hyperventilation + exercise = not good. Sometimes I'll stop whatever I'm doing and just go home.

Yesterday I'd done 15 mins on the elliptical and was about 4 mins into a 15 minute go on the bike. I kept going. I was debating whether I should do my weights or leave it. I did them - I was going to leave out things like step-ups because that sort of stuff seems to make it worse, but I did it. I just kept relaxed and stopped to do some deep breathing if I felt it was worsening. I got through everything!

It was fine by the time I left, and I wasn't feeling upset at all, yet when I got into my car to go home I just burst into tears. It feels so unfair that the two things I want most are to be fit and a healthy weight, and what I need to do to achieve those goals are the main triggers of this stupid condition. The hormones probably contributed to my little pity party.

I hadn't cleaned up the kitchen the night before either so the whole time I was at the gym I was dreading that I'd have to go home and clean up before I could cook dinner. And I knew Bass Boy was out buying shirts so he wouldn't have done it. Well I got home and the kitchen was spotless and gleaming! And he'd tidied up other stuff too. I saw it and just burst into tears (again!). Then he said he'd got me a present, two things that he just had to get because they were both me.

He gave me two Little Miss books - Little Miss Giggles and Little Miss Whoops! Haha, because he makes me giggle hysterically 99% of the time, and I'm always dropping stuff/knocking stuff over/injuring myself/walking into things/falling over etc etc. Then I started bawling even more cause it was so sweet and funny and cute.

It's funny when sometimes he doesn't even know that I'm having a bad day for whatever reason and just does something really nice that I appreciate even more than I would on any other day.

Oh, and Little Miss Giggles has red hair!!!! She's just like me!!! Well, when my hair is natural anyway ;)
And in the book she loses her giggle and Mr Happy helps her find it. It's just like me and Bass Boy!


Anyway. My work is doing the 10,000 steps challenge thing and I signed up just because I do every year, and this year my department paid for our teams so I got free stuff! I got a little purple drink bottle which is pretty cool - it's PURPLE! Not to mention the shitty pedometer that counts probably 50% more steps than you actually do (every year it's the same!). But this year we also got a t-shirt. It's horribly green, and I like green, but it's just... too green. And it says something about 10,000 steps on it and has little footprints or something. Anyway the point was, my manager (our team captain) picked up all the packs with this stuff and because I'm in a different building to them, someone else in my team brought it over to me.

The t-shirt is a large. A men's large I have to assume, because it's MASSIVE. And I mean, I have a lot of Bass Boy's old large t-shirts for wearing to bed and this must be twice the size of them so it's not even men's large, it's just.... super large! I could wear it as a dress, if I was either slutty or had great legs ;)

The thing is, I don't know if that's just the default, or if someone CHOSE that size for me. And now I'm all paranoid that someone thinks that I might possibly require a t-shirt that big!

Man I hope it was a default.

Hmmm. I had a whole rant in my head earlier about celebrities being so skinny these days and completely warping my sense of "normal" or "acceptable" but I've crapped on enough. I'll just say that I am guilty of loving the new 90210, but the girls in it are so painfully thin I find it uncomfortable to watch.

Eeek! The Monster!!! Kill it!!! Or at least make it come already so I turn back into a rational... ok, more rational person!

Actually tiredness is the main problem I think. I don't really feel moody, except for yesterday and this morning. Coincided with me forgetting to take 5-HTP. I took it this morning and have been fine today.

So very tired. I usually get up at 5:30 if I'm walking the dog, 6 if I'm not. I couldn't drag myself out of bed until about 6:40 this morning. I came home at lunch and walked her, and did C25K after work. Fuck it was hard. It was the hardest session I've ever done - which doesn't make sense because I did the exact same session on Monday. My calves just tightened right up and then my hamstrings. It hurt and I was feeling much less fit than I was yesterday. I wanted to stop so bad and I nearly did, but then I would have been a quitter and I didn't want to be a quitter, so I finished it. I felt exhausted when I got home but.

Er, so then I had some toast with my dinner (again - damn you, bread and your crack-like qualities!)... and then an Eskimo Pie which I ate without even realising what I was doing. I stopped myself before I went back for the second one though. Argh.

I just want to have one week that goes exactly to plan! I suppose PMS week is probably a bit ambitious for that. I am really, really hoping for maintenance this week. Then I'd secretly know I'd lost weight, because I'm full of fluid. Even after drinking 5 or 6 Pump bottles yesterday! I feel so gross.

Fuck that Eskimo Pie was good though.

I think I have the PMS!

Actually I know I do. My tummy is all bloated and I cried this afternoon because I was cold and tired and I didn't want to go to the gym. So I told myself to quit being a baby, got changed and ready to go, then allowed myself half an hour to lie on the couch with the doona but then I had to go to the gym. I was so very tempted to stay there but I realised if I didn't go today I would have to change it all around and then I'd have to be at the gym on Friday. Who wants to go to the gym on a Friday night?

It also explains yesterday! I'd been planning to cook salmon and vegies for dinner but Bass Boy remembered he was having a jam with some of his mates and had to go almost straight after work. I was considering cooking the salmon anyway but soooooo didn't want it. After debating for almost half an hour I realised what I wanted - eggs on toast. Since I'm not meant to have starchy carbs for dinner, and I'd already had wheaty-starchy carbs for lunch (which should be once a day) I debated but I had to have it. So I had 2 eggs on some Noble Rise wholemeal toast with bbq sauce and a little sprinkle of cheese. It was seriously the best meal I can remember having in a long time. It sounds crazy but it was! It was just SO exactly what I wanted.

That was a long paragraph about eggs.

Oh yeah! I did C25K week 4 day 1 last night. And I didn't die! I ran for 5 mins! Twice! The program works! It really does!

Gotta go out for dinner for my nan's birthday on Sunday - at a shitty pub. Bass Boy suggested I use it as my treat meal but I'd rather have something I REALLY want, like maybe a dark chocolate Magnum (mmmm!!!!) than some fatty pub meal just because it's there. And generally some kind of grilled fish & salad is the best option at pubs, and it's always once of the most expensive things. And it's usually shit. D'oh.

Back to the gym today, I always find that when I really don't want to exercise but force myself to do it anyway, I work out harder than usual. This does not make sense. I got my planks up to 50 seconds! 4 weeks ago I was just about crying at the 30 second mark, when I would collapse.

I managed to get through yesterday mostly unscathed. I did a heap of cleaning (housework has been non-existent in our house for quite some time) and washing (still behind from when our washing machine was broken for 2 months!), I didn't eat any more nuts, I had some chicken & vegies for lunch and then shepherd's pie at mum's for dinner - which was probably more carby than I would normally have but I skipped the lunch carbs so don't think it was too damaging.

Exercise I did not get to though! By the time I finished up with the cleaning I had just enough time to shower and wash my hair before we had to go to mum & dad's. And afterwards I had to do the grocery shopping. I love doing it on a Sunday night! Heaps of stuff is marked down and it's empty.

I got up at 5:30 this morning and walked the dog! I haven't been able to drag myself out of bed to do that for like 2 weeks. Maybe cause last time it was dark and cold and pissing down - horrible walk, totally put me off. I got out of bed this morning by convincing myself that it's getting lighter earlier so it would be all nice and light outside. Of course it was still dark, although I think it would've been a fair bit lighter had it not been overcast.

I always enjoy being out in the early morning - I like the fact that when you walk past someone you say good morning. It doesn't seem to happen at any other time of the day, just a bit of secret comradarie between early-morning exercisers.

Oh yeah, today I'm wearing a top and a little short-sleeved waistcoaty thing both of which haven't fit me for aaaaaaaaaages! :D

Woohoo, heading into week 4!

Ugh, I feel crap today. I just want to eat chocolate and not exercise. Somehow I have to exercise, clean the house, walk the dog, do grocery shopping and have dinner with my parents! I can't seem to get moving.

Went to Shanghai Village for dumplings last night...mmmmm, dumplings. I felt really bloated after them though. Had a custard bun from a Chinese bakery that was pretty crap - afterwards I was really annoyed that I kept eating it even though I wasn't really enjoying it. And even though it was my treat meal, I feel guilty about it because I ate too much!

This morning I already went a little crazy on walnuts. Not too damaging but still. Annoying!

Bass Boy found out yesterday that his dad has bone cancer. He's terminal but we don't really have any details yet. His dad left when he was 4 and lives in WA so he doesn't know him very well. He's the youngest of 5 kids though so his siblings are probably feeling differently. I don't really know what to say to him about it.

Weigh in: 85.1

200g loss this week. I know a loss is a loss and all that, but I'm a little disappointed. Sigh!

Just got home from the gym. I don't usually get there til about 9:30 on Saturdays, and I'm always the only one there. It's starting to get busy by the time I leave - but busy at my gym is still not busy :D

Owww, it hurts to type!

I opened a new tub of cottage cheese just now - and I put the whole tub in the blender and make it all creamy because lumpy cottage cheese grosses me out. Anyway I blended it for aaaaaaages this morning and the texture is amazing! With strawberries and some sugar free maple syrup (my supermarket is stocking it again!) - it's so amazingly delicious I really can't believe it's good for me. Best snack EVER. I'd live on it.

It's such a beautiful day, maybe I'll go for a bike ride!

Should probably do some housework though...ughhhhhh

Happy Friday!!!

I had a coffee this morning and felt like shit afterwards. My ear didn't play up but it wasn't 100% and I felt sick and dizzy. I guess I really should give decaf a go.... but I don't wannnnnnaaaaaaa! :(

Major chocolate craving today - so for my afternoon snack I grabbed a 99 calorie stick of Old Gold which completely got rid of the craving (there's a first time for everything!). But after I finished it I wanted something else..... nuts! Grabbed some almonds and walnuts but felt like it was going to turn into a blowout. But nope! I was completely satisfied after the nuts - turns out I was just actually hungry! So that's why I was almost tempted by the work biscuits.... I didn't actually want them, they were just all that was available.

SOOOO didn't want to go out for my C25K session today but I forced myself to do it anyway and was glad I did - much easier than Wednesday! On Wednesday after the first 90secs my thoughts were "Fuck, how the hell am I going to do 3 mins of this??" but today it was "Is that it?". The program really works! Now I have to do Week 4.... I'm scaaaaaaaaared!!!!!!! 5 mins! Twice! AND 3 mins twice! How can I possibly do that?

Apparently this feeling is normal. Oh geez, then there's the real scary Week 5 day 3 - run for 20 mins!

I was going to have steak for dinner tonight but after the nuts and chocolate it's a bit too calorie dense so I'm going to have an omlette instead. I was really looking forward to the steak though! Oh well, I can have it tomorrow instead.

In other news, I FOUND MY PASSPORT TODAY!!!! I'd been looking for it everywhere and was about to report it lost and apply for a new one. Then I remembered a cupboard we don't use that I always forget is there... phew!!! Of course I thought the fee for a lost passport was $69 instead of the full $208, but after I found it I realised it's $69 plus the $208! SO SO glad I found it.

That and I only have one stamp in this one... really want to build on that, not start again!

I got some 5-HTP today. It's supposed to boost serotonin levels and help with depression and anxiety. Not that I'm depressed at the moment but I certainly am prone to it. I really hope it will help with anxiety though, because I'm kind of struggling with that.

I feel like such a Nana... I look forward to Friday nights because Bass Boy goes to his gig and I relax on the couch with 4 epsidoes in a row of SVU on Foxtel (it's my favourite show!). It's a bit sad, isn't it?

Well, I mean I'm only missing out on dodgy outer suburbian clubs and boozing until all hours of the morning. How would I get up for the gym?

Another gorgeous day! SPRING!!!! I love it.

Gym tonight although my hips are still sore from Tuesday :(

Apparently work will pay for my study - the catch? You have to stay on for at least one year after completing your study or you have to pay back the money for the previous year. Oh, and it has to be a full-fee paying course, not a Commonweath Supported Place (HECS). Apparently there's a way to do it so you don't end up out of pocket, with FEE-HELP but it's all a bit confusing. And I'm not sure how much they actually pay for - I'd be looking at about $10k/year for full-fee. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't pay all of it!

There's also study leave, 4 hours a week. And I'll be able to enter as Mixed Mode so I can do some stuff off-campus and some stuff on-campus - and since I work at the uni I'll be studying at, I should be able to physically go to some classes pretty easily.

So once I get back from NZ I'm going to start saving up... for an iMac. Ohhh yeahhh. And my dad can't get annoyed because he "only has Windows software" because I'll be able to run Windows on the Mac. Ha! I can get one for $1549 with educational discount. Although I reckon I should get a double discount as a staff member AND a student ;)

What a beautiful day it was in Melbourne today! Still a little cold, but the sun was lovely.

Well my glutamine theory got debunked this arvo - I had some in my preworkout shake again and then went off to do C25K - it was the hardest one yet! Maybe because I didn't want to do it and had it in my head that it was going to be really hard. Oh well.

Oh, and I spent 10 mins on the stair machine at the gym yesterday and it fucked my hips up. They've been rool sore all day so it hurt to run. Stupid dodgy hips! Curse you, childhood dancing!

Food = great. Actually I was about to go to bed last night and realised that my calories for the day were just over 1000. Eek! I had another protein shake to raise it a bit. They were a bit low today too so I had some toast with dinner - I was having a massive bread craving (it's been 3 weeks since I had any!). Bread included today is still only about 1300. Weird.

I'm at that point where I'm starting to think "This can't possibly be working, it's too easy". I guess it's just that once you get into a groove, it's not that difficult to exercise every day, and it's not that difficult to eat well as long as you're prepared.

So at the start of last year I was enrolled in a Bachelor of Science which I planned to study by distance education - don't even ask why, I just decided it would be a good thing to study??
Anyway, first semester began and I didn't even realise - not for a couple of weeks! Then when I did realise, I had an assignment due the next week! So I applied for intermission - I was so not prepared for study. I applied for intermission again this year, knowing that I didn't want to study it but not wanting to discontinue just yet - okay, so I couldn't discontinue online and I couldn't be bothered hunting down forms and filling them out and mailing htem.

Anyway I've decided to study IT next year but I didn't think I could apply for course transfer because I haven't attempted any units in my current degree. But I spoke to the lovely admissions folk today and they said I could! Yay! Easier than discontinuing and then going through the whole application process again.

I'm worried that it will be too full on and take over my life - but I really want to have some kind of useful qualification - as my current diploma is pretty much useless since I did nothing with it - it's been 4 years now so no employers in the field want to know about me. I don't want to be stuck in the job I'm in now, because it's boring. I just want to do something that I'm actually interested in (if not passionate about).

I hope I find myself interested enough in the coursework to study it for 6 years. Oh, I can't think about the 6 years. It's all too much. Well I guess first I have to get into the course. But I can't see why I wouldn't. My goal is to set up the back bedroom as a study before next year - at the moment it's the "aviary" - aka the room we keep the birds in so the cats don't kill them. I need to get a proper desk.

Rollercoaster of emotions! I started off cranky and angry and teary this morning - "My ear's gunna be fucked forever, there's no cure or treatment, it's not fair, blah blah blah!"

I was low all morning. Went for a walk at lunchtime and the ear was fine which perked me up straight away. You know yesterday was the first day in 2 weeks where I did nothing - not even a walk or anything. And it felt like it had been aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaages since I'd exercised. I seriously thought for a little bit there that I'd undone everything, that my fitness would be worse than ever. Crazy huh? Of course it wasn't.

Anyway, I got home from work and as I pulled into the driveway I saw that my green bag wasn't on the seat next to me. The green bag with my runners in it!!!! D'OH! Luckily I remembered an old pair of x-trainers I've barely worn cause I never liked them ;)

(they were actually pretty good for the gym. better than my falling-apart nikes!)

Crisis averted, I got to the gym and had like the best workout ever! My gym got new ellipticals (yayyy! they're like the good ones at my old gym now!!!) AND Foxtel. And I was like superwoman! I felt heaps fitter and stronger. I couldn't believe it. And then I remembered that after reading "for best results take 1/2 teaspoon before and after your workout" on my L-Glutamine I decided to try that. So maybe that was it? It was unreal anyway.

My little friend Ahmed was at the gym again. And he stared at me the WHOLE. TIME. Seriously, every time I looked up from whatever I was doing, he was STARING AT ME. I've always attracted particularly creepy guys. I don't know why.

Anyhoo, I'd better go and finish cooking tomorrow's lunch!

Today has been a bit of a nothing day. I had a coffee this morning and got all dizzy and nauseous and stayed that way all day. I was pretty tired too (Bass Boy coughing all night), ended up leaving work an hour early. I came home and crashed on the couch for a couple of hours.

However today I figured out what the fuck is wrong with me!!!

Patulous Eustachian Tube.

Patulous Eustachian tube, also known as patent Eustachian tube, is the name of a rare physical disorder where the Eustachian tube, which is normally closed, instead stays intermittently open. As a result, when it is open, all of the patient's breathing, talking, swallowing, heart beat, etc. vibrates directly on the ear drum creating an effect that sounds like the patient has a bucket on his/her head. The medical term for this phenomenon is autophony, the hearing of self-generated sounds.

Exercise is a major trigger! Lying down gives relief. Rapid weight loss can be a cause (it came on early 2005 when I was heartbroken and lost something like 20kgs in 3 months).

Unfortunately there is no cure, not really any treatment (although a suggested one is GAIN WEIGHT WTF).

People who suffer from PET can find playing sport difficult as the increased breathing pushing onto the ear drum can become very noisy and can sometimes lead to a period of increased tinnitus after the event.

I realised I'm kind of lucky though - some people have it PERMANENTLY. All the time. I found a message board about it and a whole heap of them were posting about wanting to kill themselves. I reckon I'd be the same.

So apparently there's some Chinese herb and some nasal drops that caused relief for some people, more severe treatment includes cartilage grafts to close up the tube although it seems like it only provided temporary relief for a few people. Everyone on the message board was raving about some doctor in Boston - including a couple of Australians who reckon he's worth going to see!

Why can't it just be something simple? With a simple answer?

I did read of a potential correlation between PET and TMJ - I've never been diagnosed with TMJ but I do have a lot of jaw clicking and some pain on the same side. And I clench my jaw. So this all relates back to anxiety, which I have in bucketloads.

I think my dizziness and vertigo is caused by anxiety over the PET, btw.

Anyway, I finally found somewhere in Aus where I could buy 5-HTP which is supposed to help boost serotonin levels. We'll see how that goes with anxiety. I'd really prefer to avoid prescription anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medications after a stint on them as a teenager - which is why I haven't ever gone to my doctor since about such things.

Bah, anyway, today became my rest day. Eating - spot on at least! I guess I've just gotta keep doing what I'm doing - exercise and just sit down and chill for a bit if the ear becomes a problem. I hope it fucks off soon though - and now I'm scared that it'll just block up and stay that way forever :\

Oh and I've got this really really sore spot in my shoulder - a trigger spot? Is that what they're called? Anyway it's driving me nuts!

Two weeks down! 11 to go.

This weekend has been a bit silly. Bass Boy's family had another shindig today. Lunch was bbq'd lamb on a tortilla with salad & mint yogurt. Not bad although the lamb was a bit fatty. It was the crackers & cheese/philly beforehand that was the problem. And the lemon custardy slice afterwards. Sugar is so evil. As soon as I have a tiny bit I turn into some kind of warped sugar monster. Anyway. The last couple of days have been estimated at the 1800 calorie mark, so it could be a lot worse, but it's not where it should be. Maybe if I chuck in a couple of 1200 days this week it'll even out.

Started Week 3 of C25K today, which involves run/walk: 90 secs/90 secs, 3 mins/3 mins, repeat. Running for 3 minutes sounds so pissweak when I say it, but it's the most I've ever done it before so I was pretty happy with that! I started off this morning, and by the time i got to the end of the street it was pissing down. I kept going around the block and reasoned that if it hadn't cleared up by the end of the first lap I'd call it quits. Anyway halfway around Bass Boy appeared in my car to rescue me. Awww. Of course as soon as we got home the rain stopped! But started again soon after, so I felt validated.

Went out again this arvo and the ear played up right at the end of the cooldown. RIGHT as I was deciding in my head that I wasn't going to have any more problems with it. I'm sick of coming home crying! :(

So over it!!!!

I have to go to the supermarket, but I really can't be arsed. Have to though - we've run out of cat biscuits. Oh yeah, and food.

Here's hoping for a better week.

P.S. Who would've thought St Kilda would get enough goals against Essendon to get a second chance in the finals?! They needed to be something like 17 goals in front! Woohoo!

Weigh in: 85.3

Loss of 500g! I'm really stoked about that, beacuse I was seriously expecting to maintain at best. I haven't had the best week. After such a big loss last week too.

Yesterday. Yesterday was just the worst day! I went off to my work lunch, and it was in a pub bistro - PACKED, soooo noisy and really really hot. Hot rooms are one of the worst things for my whole ear thing. So as soon as I sat down the room started spinning a bit, my ear would block and unblock so I couldn't really talk to anyone, the noise was unbearable.

Then we waited an hour for our meals! By the time they came the place had quietened down a bit and didn't feel as warm either. I gradually felt better and was ok by the time we left. But I did pay $25 for a sad piece of grilled fish that was completely overcooked and a little cup of salad. Talk about a fucking rip off.

So I got home and was planning on doing C25K and then going to the gym after Bass Boy left for his gig. I headed out to do the C25K only to discover that the podcast had just disappeared off my iPod!! I was already feeling pretty fragile at this point. I came back and spent a good 20 minutes stuffing around with the iPod to get it sorted and headed off again.

I was doing well with the intervals, no ear problems, taking note of where i started and finished running so I could work out the distance (and therefore speed).... I had done 3 of the 6 intervals and was about to head into the 4th when I attempted to turn the volume down on the iPod. Instead I hit SKIP. FUCKING SKIP!!!! It was the straw that broke the camel's back. I burst into tears right there on the corner of two main roads in the middle of peak hour! Since I only run around the block and do laps, the furthest spot from home is the end of my street, about 600m away. That's where I was. I walked that street with my head down, sobbing.

Geez I felt shit. Like everything was against me. I got home and I was still crying while I told Bass Boy the story but at the same time I knew that I was being ridiculous and overreacting so he was almost making me smile. While crying.

BB: Can I get you anything?
Me: Arsenic?
BB: You want some arsenic?
Me: Yes. I'm going to be fat forever!
BB: So you want arsenic and you're going to be fat forever. These are the responses I'm getting?
Me: YES! Shut up!

I managed to laugh after that. Argh.

Anyway I got on the tready later and did 4 intervals. I was just going to do the whole thing but it's harder on the treadmill, I swear! I think it's the boredom factor. And it was really hurting my shins. Doesn't outside.

I did a killer workout at the gym this morning. Hopefully I won't be able to move tomorrow... well.. you know what I mean.

Except I got home and whined "I DON'T WANNA GO TO MY GYM ANYMORE!!!!"
Some guy tried to pick me up!!!! I've never done mixed gyms, I've never experienced this! I didn't know what to do!!! I just answered his questions and when he got to the boyfriend one, and I said yes, I have one, he practically ran to the other side of the gym. Phew.

Guys don't try to pick me up. It just doesn't happen. Well I mean they used to, but it was when I was drunk and single and usually up for it. It's rarely happened while sober and since I got the old ball and chain it doesn't seem to happen at all. It really weirds me out!

I had a bit of a carb blowout last night. After my little episode I felt awfully nauseous and worn out. I cooked dinner early for Bass Boy (Indian curry) because he had to go to a gig. I got ready to go to the gym but felt too sick. I was going to go anyway but then I figured I would only put in maybe 50% effort and if I was only going to be half-arsed I'd rather rest.

So after I decided not to go to the gym I decided I couldn't stomach curry. I wanted carbs. I don't usually have starchy carbs with dinner, but all I could think about was bread. But we only had white bread. I couldn't possibly have white bread! So I had a couple of wholemeal tortillas, one with vegemite and one with egg (the only protein I felt I could handle). My stomach settled right away after eating it, and I still wanted bread. So I had some wholemeal premiums with some honey. And then I had the bread anyway!!! So if I'd just had it in the first place it probably would have been fine. Silly.

Oh well, new day. I am not expecting any kind of result on the scales tomorrow though, especially after the pub lunch I'll be having today. Which I really don't want since I'm trying to avoid salt. Ugh.

I still feel exhausted. I usually get up at 6 but couldn't drag myself out of bed until 7 this morning. And I have just realised I forgot to put deodorant on. Now I'll have to go and buy some! I also forgot my swipe pass and office keys today. I can't actually get to the toilets on this level without my swipe pass. I can go the long way around but that means going past the co-worker's desk who withdrew her friendship last week and I'd rather avoid that. I guess I'll have to go upstairs. What a pain in the arse!

My head feels fuzzy. If Bass Boy has given me his illness I am going to kill him!!!!!!!!!!!

The ear strikes again. I'm more convinced than ever that what I have is Meniere's Disease.
This morning it occurred while just sitting at my desk, the ear only felt blocked for a minute but the dizziness and nausea has been going on for a while. Argh, I have to go to the gym today, I don't need this now!

Unfortunately one thing in common with each attack over the last couple of weeks is, it's been on a day I've had a coffee. Actually it's happened every day I've had a coffee, except Sunday. I'm going to have to try decaf.

I read today that it can be triggered by a drop in inner ear pressure that can be caused by dehydration, low blood pressure and "overbreathing". All of which potentially explains why exercise is a problem.

I've contacted Meniere's Australia to ask if they can help with finding a GP who will actually be helpful with diagnosis, if Meniere's is what I have. We'll see. I just know I couldn't bear hearing the "there's nothing wrong with you" speech again. The last time I heard it was from an ENT specialist who then bulk billed me because I burst into tears and sobbed like a baby in his office. Heh.

Sigh. In other news, I did C25K last night and got home 3 minutes faster than yesterday.

Argh, I can't concentrate. I feel like crap.

I know lots of people deal with worse shit all the time but this seriously has a major impact on life enjoyment and all the rest of it. I hate being afraid to do things in case it plays up. I hate worrying about it happening while I'm on holidays trying to have fun.

Blah blah blah, woe is me.

Ouuchh, my lats are sooorrre today! Or my "latissimus dorsal fins" as I like to say. Speaking of funny ways I like to say muscle names, my ticeretopses are sore too.

I didn't think I was effectively working my lats yesterday because I was feeling it more in my arms but I must've done something right.

I think "the boy" needs a better nickname. I'm thinking "Bass Boy" because he plays bass, and he's seaworthy! (er, see http://www.homestarrunner/tgsmenu.html or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aOYT0KH5xOI for context)

So anyway, we were at Bass Boy's family shindig on the weekend and he asked one of his sisters if she's lost weight. "Yep" "Like, a lot?" "14kgs"

We both said how amazing that was and she said:
"No it's not, it should be more than that."

What?! I realised that I've said similar things in the past and that it seems to be quite a common theme really. How sad is it that someone who's worked really hard and lost 14kgs can't look at it and see it as a great achievement, but instead berates herself for not losing more. She said she stalled for a few weeks, losing and gaining the same couple of kilos before she finally hit the 14 mark. And because of that, her efforts aren't good enough.

It's ridiculous!

I still can't bring myself to exercise outside at 5:30am. I just can't seem to force myself out of bed. I wanted to do C25K this morning but reasoned that part of the route goes along "the dodgy street" and I didn't want to in the dark, on my own. Reasonable concern or excuse? Hmmm. As long as I fit in what I have planned, I'm not too fussed, it'd just be nice to get it out of the way first thing.

Here's hoping I've won Ozlotto and can quit my job. Then I can exercise whenever I want! Muhahahaha!

I worked from home this afternoon which was so great I wish I could do it every day. It gave me a chance to go to the supermarket and walk the dog on my lunch break without worrying about rushing back to work. Oh, and I got to go to the gym at 4 instead of leaving work at 4 so that was good too.

I feel much more fit already. First day back at the gym last week I seriously struggled on the elliptical but today I was killing it in comparison.

Speaking of the gym, someone was using the cable-y machine with the tricep pushdown rope thingo so I waited around and he was taking aaaages so I went off and did my tricep dips instead. I had a little inkling that doing them first was going to be a bad idea and damn I was right! Stupid tricep dips, evil things they are.

Today is a day where I feel like I've eaten shitloads but it's right on target...

Breakfast:
1/2 cup oats w/ some milk, protein crunch and a teaspoon of pure honey (the staple breakfast), crappy instant coffee

Snack:
1/2 cup cottage cheese with strawberries, splenda and a tiny drizzle of maple syrup (my local supermarket has stopped selling the sugar-free one! motherfuckers!!!), green tea

Lunch:
Thai Coconut Curry steam fish w/ a pack of steam fresh vegies and 1/2 cup brown basmati rice

Snack:
30g whey in water, chopped up carrot with a teaspoon of natural peanut butter, 5 grapes

Dinner:
200g chicken cooked in natural yoghurt, mustard, basil & lemon juice, broccoli, cauliflower, zucchini, beans

Total: 1445 calories

Sweet!

My arms are still sore from Saturday's workout, I can't believe it! It's ridiculous!

Er, so my counting skills clearly need some work, because I believe it's actually 9 weeks until the 26th October, not 10. Oops.

Anyway, I decided to do my C25K workout outside yesterday. Now I have attempted this before in Week 1 (and have never got past Week 2 even on the treadmill), but because of the embarrassment factor I have chosen to do it on a secluded high school football oval where no one can see me. This is stupid, because running in a circle for half an hour is almost as boring as a treadmill, running in a circle seems to hurt the hips and feet more because of the constant turning motion, and running on grass is harder work than a footpath. Probably better for the joints, but requires more effort, which leads the beginning runner to believe that it's just WAY too hard and will never ever be possible.

The other reason for choosing the secluded footy oval to do my running was also because "everywhere around my house involves hills!". I mean it's in the name of my suburb and everything. Then yesterday I realised that there's a 1.4km block that starts across the road from my house that is completely flat. So I used that for my workout yesterday and did 3 laps. In some ways I think it was easier than the treadmill, just because the time went faster.

Oh, so because I didn't do my workout on Sunday I was going to do week 1 yesterday and start week 2 tomorrow. I put both on my iPod ready to go, so I left the house and started walking, pressed play and wasn't really paying attention to Robert Ullery (sp?) crapping on at the start until I heard "You will do 6 intervals" and I went "Huh? It's meant to be 8! This is week 2!".

I attempted to skip back to week 1 only to discover I had made a mistake and week 1 wasn't on there. So I did week 2. I was scared of week 2, because I've found it "too hard" in the past, and thus given up. But it really wasn't too bad yesterday. I mean my grandma could probably run faster but running is running.

Argh, I just went for a walk, within the last couple of minutes my ear blocked up. GRRRR. The last 3 times now, it's been triggered by walking. What's that about? It's never been walking before. Ellipticals, stair machines, squats, lunges - anything with up-and-down movements which I guess walking is to a certain extent, but it's never been enough before. Does this mean it's getting worse? All this time it has seemed to be lessening in severity. Fuck I hate it. I hate it so much. The worst is when I get a bit panicky about it which I tend to do when it's particularly bad - ever started to panic while in the middle of some high intensity cardio? It's like your throat just closes right up and no air can get in. It's so awful. I didn't stress about it today, just ignored it but now I'm starting to stress about it because I just want it to fucking stop!

Anyway.

At dinner on Saturday night I was talking to a girl who is a runner - she's just signed up for the half marathon. Anyway I mentioned that I'm trying to be a runner and told her I'm doing C25K and she got all excited - the chance for a potential convert to her passion! Anyway this morning she emailed me a link to the Spring Into Shape series - 4k runs. There's one on the 26th October. 10 weeks. Could I run 4kms in 10 weeks? Given that at the moment I'm doing 60 second intervals - on a treadmill?

If I worked at it, I think it's doable. A fun run is always something I would do later, when I've lost *that* much weight. Because a fat girl couldn't possibly do a fun run! I've always had mental images of being laughed away from the start line, deemed much too lardy to participate in such a thing.

But when I got that email this morning, I started thinking, well, why the fuck not? Why couldn't I do it? I mean, I'd have the primary goal of completing it, with a secondary goal of y'know, not coming last.

I was going to double up on the C25K weeks. Week 7 involves a 4k run. 10 weeks should be doable... of course I would have to transition from treadmill to road at some point...

Ah, the end of week 1.

Today has been... annoying. That's probably the best way to describe it!

I went out for dinner last night which was good actually. I didn't go overboard with food and the company was better than I expected. I really didn't think I liked Indian food but I had chicken tikka masala and it was freakin' awesome.

I was asleep on my feet by the time I got home, just after midnight (could I be more of a nana?! I'm 25 ffs!). Slept until 10 this morning - I had all these plans for the day with washing and housework before we had to go off to the boy's sister's for arvo tea. Then I find out afternoon tea is at 2pm! These people have strange ideas of meal times, I swear. Anyway, everything got a bit stuffed up. I had breakfast (porridge) at 10, took the dog for a walk, and we had to leave at 1pm to go to the shops on the way. I grabbed a mintabolism bar and a latte and we headed off. I resisted the food, none of which was all that appealing, really.

Then the boy's mum rocked up with her famous choc-mint ripple cake! That stuff is like crack, I swear. Anyway I had a piece of that - in my defence the slices are very very small ;)

The plan was to only stay for 1-2 hours and piss off. But then we found out the overseas sister was going to be there so we had to hang around to see her. And they didn't get there until about 4, so we didn't get out of there until 6. I'd effectively missed two meals by this stage! I ate a few water crackers and 1 tiny bit of camembert because I got hungry but overall I reckon it was a fair effort. Just grabbed some grilled fish on the way home and put some steam fresh vegies in the microwave.

I was meant to do a C25K session today but we got home with dinner at 7pm not to mention an absolute killer headache (which still hasn't gone away mind you). Oh and as soon as I finished dinner I got a nosebleed, I think it was the 3rd or 4th this week *sigh*. I'm cranky and cold and tired and I just want to curl up in my pjs (which I am now wearing!).

The good thing about today was I got myself an iPod shuffle! A little purple 1GB, paid for with $2 from my coin jar :D

This is the iPod I have:

I'm pretty sure this was the first iPod for Mac and PC. No colour screen, 20GB, heavy and fat and just plain BIG. I totally love it though, it's so retro these days. I got it in 2004 for my 21st birthday for an insane price (like $500 or close to it!). I've been lugging that around gyms for 4 years, only using it for cardio and putting it away in the locker for weights because I don't have pockets or anything.

Anyway lately I've realised that the battery is barely getting me through a 30 min cardio session. It is over 4 years old, so I guess that's a pretty good life. Yesterday at the gym it started constantly resetting itself every time I tried to play a song too and I was losing the right channel which could have been the earbuds but I don't think it was. Time to face facts, my trusty beast is dying :(

Don't really have the funds for a proper replacement yet so I had to make do with a shuffle. It's so little and cute and purple! AND when I plugged it in, iTunes came up with a picture of a purple shuffle! IT KNOWS WHAT COLOUR IT IS!

Yes I get excited about such things...

What an experience it will be to clip my music player onto my shirt! I'm very excited. Did I mention it's purple?

Oh and I got it from Dick Smith who had a deal on, I got a special little iPod shuffle speaker for free with it. It looks dodgy as but you plug the shuffle in then close the lid which has a hole in it to access the controls. And it's powered by AAAs or acts as a USB dock too!

Anyway. I just bought some songs that I'm so into right now that I think will be good for workouts and am trying to choose what else from my thousands of songs!

At the moment it's looking like this:

1. C25K Podcast - Week 1
2. C25K Podcast - Week 2
3. Kate Nash - Pumpkin soup
4. Kanye West feat. Chris Martin - Homecoming
5. Brassy - 1-0-0
6. Bliss N Eso - Eye of the storm
7. Gnarls Barkley - Going on
8. Custom Kings - Up late
9. MGMT - Kids
10. Madonna - Open your heart
11. Madonna - La isla bonita
12. Madonna - Papa don't preach
13. Madonna - Express yourself
14. Madonna - Get into the groove
    
15. Madonna - Material girl (can you tell I bought the Immaculate Collection recently?)
16. Ladyhawke - Paris is burning (this is the stuff I just bought tonight)
17. Pnau feat Ladyhawke - Embrace
18. CSS - Left behind
19. Wiley - Wearing my rolex
20. Faker - Sleepwalking
21. Birds of Tokyo - Broken bones
22. Birds of Tokyo - Silhouettic
23. Ladytron - Ghosts

Hmm, I know there's another song I want, I just can't remember it! Need to get my Presets CD going on iTunes too.

Couch time! 5k will have to wait until tomorrow ;)

Day 6 is a great day, folks!

Weigh in: 85.8

For those playing at home that's a 2.3kg loss! Ah, I love fluid loss. That's not even a whole week, that's since Monday! Seriously, you can't imagine how much I've weed this week.

Day 5 was shit, I have this issue where my right ear randomly blocks and it can last minutes or hours, I took the dog for a walk, it blocked 5 mins in and stayed blocked for the duration, getting worse when I went up hills and was exerting myself more. Went away as soon as I lay down after getting home. That's the thing - if I get all stressed and cry about it, it gets worse. If I sit down and relax, it goes away. WHY CAN'T ANYONE FUCKING TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?! ARGH. It's been 3 1/2 years. And it hasn't flared up in a long time. When it does flare up, exercise is the biggest trigger. Motherfucker.



Anyway, I did a 5k walk, I didn't go swimming. I was just so tired the night before, being the first week I wanted to give my body as much rest as it needed! I was glad for it yesterday, I had much more energy.

So I've got Indian dinner tonight, the boy's sister's birthday tomorrow (arvo tea, bring a plate deal) and Pancake Parlour dinner on Monday. Oh, and a pub lunch for work on Friday.

Seriously I haven't had that many food-related social occasions so close together in a long, long time. Stop throwing these challenges at me, universe!

Hmm, tomorrow arvo is supposed to be a C25K session...will have to work around that...

Well I'm just about through the first week... working week at least!

Today is my rest day, but I wanted to go swimming in the morning. I did it last Friday and it was good! I usually avoid public pools like the plague, especially after the 2005 incident - I had decided to brave the pool at the YMCA I was a member of, and within the first couple of laps I swam right into a soggy floating sandwich! GROSS! "Never again!" I proclaimed.

Anyway, at 5:30am the water feels pretty clean. It's full of old people, and the old men swim past you with a "Mooorrrrning!!" which makes me smile.

Last night I fell asleep on the couch watching Law & Order so it must've been about 9:30. Woke up at nearly 11 and couldn't find any of my swimming stuff straight away so I gave up. I've been so tired this week I probably need the rest anyway! Hurry up and get used to this exercise stuff, body.

I did my C25K stint yesterday. I've done Week 1 a few times before and it seems easier than ever this time around. It's more my legs hurting than any cardio fitness issues making it difficult. I upped my speed a bit - 8.5km in the running which I know is still pretty much turtle speeds but it's fast for me, ok??? haha

Took the dog for a walk afterwards, although the boy wanted to come and he slowed me down a bit. I'm all in serious fast-walking mode and he sees it more as a fun spending time together leisurely thing. Plus he likes to make me laugh while going up hills, and I cannot concentrate on getting up a hill quickly while pissing myself! Dickhead.

The plan after work today is to take the dog for a 45-60min walk.

The girls in my office are both fitness types. One is a runner who also plays netball a couple of nights a week and the other goes to the gym/swimming every day. I've told both of them about my challenge so there's another level of accountability. I've always kept these kinds of things secret - so if I fail, no one will ever know. When I did a 12 week challenge last year I didn't tell anyone except the boy (since we live together and all!) because deep down I didn't believe I could do it.

Not this time! I didn't plan to tell anyone, but I was so excited about it that I just blurted it out. I've since given in-depth details of the plan which is such a new thing for me.

This weekend involves my mum's birthday and dinner with people from work. We're going to an Indian restaurant... I have no idea what to eat, I'm not really a fan of Indian food. So I don't really want to waste a free meal on it! I guess I'll look for chicken or seafood without coconut milk! Pancake Parlour for dinner on Monday for mum's birthday... now that's a free meal! Mmmmm, Jamaican Banana........


Exercise plans for the weekend - gym tomorrow morning (chest/biceps/hamstrings), 30-60min dog walk, C25K & 30-60min dog walk on Sunday.

This week is going fast!

Haha, at work we have a cafe about 200m away with the BEST coffee I've ever had. It's amazing. Unfortunately I have two officemates (who I love btw) who crave the coffee bean even more than I do! And they're a bad influence! They got me up to a one-a-day habit! I've never been the type to purchase a coffee every single day.

So as part of this 13 weeks, my morning snack is a skinny latte & a Slim Secrets Mintabolism bar (which are the best things ever invented in my humble opinion!) on Mondays and Fridays. I came in on Monday and proclaimed my new 2-per-week plan and they've been very good, not coaxing me as they usually do. When I announced my decision, J decided she would follow suit... but she gave herself the leeway for a mid-week Wednesday coffee (which she had yesterday) and this morning she caved and has just gone to get another one.

God I can't believe I just wrote so many words about coffee. It's an important part of life!

Yesterday was good, I went home at lunch to walk the dog as planned and to the gym after work. My gym workout wasn't great, quads and shoulders, but being the first workout I spent most of it dicking around with weights and didn't get much out of it in the end. I'm not even sore today (although my abs are still sore from Monday!). I may get a bit sore by the end of the day though, I shouldn't speak too soon!

A woman at the gym started talking to me yesterday - I hate talking during workouts, I hate the whole "work out with a buddy!!!" thing - it's time for me, y'know. Anyway she was talking to herself out loud while looking at her program "Hammer curls, hammer curls, what are hammer curls? I can't remember what hammer curls are! What are hammer curls!" so to shut her up I quickly demonstrated. Which apparently meant I wanted to be mates! She started going on about how I should get *insert trainer's name here* to do my program cause she's amazing, she really works you hard blah blah blah. She went on for ages about how she'd had the same program for 2 1/2 months and couldn't figure out why she stopped losing weight so she got this new program and it's so great and hard - and then she proceeded to pick up a barbell - no weights, just the bar and start doing curls with it!

Er... if after 2 1/2 months you can only lift a BAR....

Tried to get up at 5:30 again this morning and failed! I am just so opposed to walking outside in the dark. I guess it'll be easier once it starts getting lighter... until daylight saving starts and it gets dark again! Ugh, I should just get over it!


Edit

Holy crap, I forgot the most exciting part! The people at my local Coles now think I'm a complete psycho, because I actually squealed out loud when I saw Old El Paso Wholewheat Tortillas on the shelf!!! I haven't been able to find wholewheat ones anywhere! And I love tortillas! I had one for lunch today with lemon pepper salmon slices, baby spinach, carrot, tomato & red/green capsicum. Mmmmm....

Well Day 2 could have been better. Food was perfect and I did my cardio but missed out on walking the dog. It's not a huge deal but it sucks when you slip up so early on! It was just bad time management, I think.

I got up at 5:20 this morning to walk the dog, only to discover it was REALLY windy outside, like scary windy. Wind freaks me out, I hate it. So I went back to bed. Naughty, I know! I'm going to have a longer lunch today and go home to walk her. After work it's shoulders and quads which I am looking forward to and dreading, because I KNOW how my quads are going to feel tomorrow!

I've been out like a light before 10pm the last two nights. It's so great! Instant insomnia cure. I suppose having my period is contributing to the tiredness.

Ok so you know people always say exercise helps with period pain? It's the opposite for me. I can have no pain at the beginning of a workout, and by the end I'm in agony. Maybe I should get that checked out... while having my overdue pap smear and last Gardasil injection....

Yesterday I did back, triceps and abs. It means I've spent a fair portion of the day whinging that my "triceretopses hurt" ;)

I also discovered that my gym doesn't have clocks. Actually, there's ONE. A tiny little analogue thing in between two tvs in the cardio area. And it doesn't have a seconds hand so even if you could see it from anywhere else in the gym, it would be useless anyway.

So I went to Kmart at lunchtime and got a cute little pink watch. I wanted a waterproof one for swimming, since there's no clocks around the pool either (why won't anyone provide me with time?!), and this one said "water resistant 30m" which I have since learned means "splash-proof". D'oh. I guess you have to spend more than $15 to get an actual waterproof watch. Still, it's cute and pink and has a stopwatch. So whatevs.

I was meant to get up early this morning and do a Couch 2 5km session but SOMEONE keeps stealing my ipod charger so my ipod was flat, and my only charging option was the car charger. I need the podcast to do it! I could have got up and walked the dog but I was just so enjoying that it was the first time in weeks I'd had a really good sleep (thanks exercise!). So after work I need to do C25K AND walk the dog. I wish the sun would come back!

I just got an email from a girl I work with who I've been friends with for years, one big long paragraph with no punctuation telling me what an awful person I am, basically. That was the general gist. We had a dumb argument last week and I had pretty much forgotten about it but apparently it's grounds to end a friendship. I'm actually not really fussed, because I'd only been thinking recently that she kind of annoys me and I don't actually like her all that much. But confrontation and frustration... the combination has had me on the brink of tears all afternoon.

Last week I would have gone home and stuffed my face - today I'm just aching to get home and get on the tready. Ah, if I can just keep up this focus!

Oh and I got my period today. I had no idea it was coming which is crazy on its own because for months I've been having really bad PMS, crying for a week straight etc. I had a bit of a teary last week because I got mad at Big W but that was it. Today I was like "Ohhh! That's why I'm so bloated!". I should really keep track of these things...

Oh yeah, my "friend" mentioned in her email that I'm "negative and draining". Now I'm all paranoid that I am and don't realise. I mean I've been pretty down in general for the last year or so but that doesn't mean I act that way all the time, or even around other people at all. Bleh.

Oh, I have a big confession to make but it's a secret... I started smoking again a few months ago.
Yep, after quitting 2 1/2 years ago. Wtf was I thinking? It started off as a real nostalgia thing, cold winter nights and cigarettes, it all got too much for me. I was having maybe 1 or 2 a week, only on one night. Then it built up until I was racing home to have one so I had time to cover it up before the boy got home. Every day. I was choosing that over exercise.

So Sunday was the day I stopped. For good! I haven't had any urges, it was almost like I just needed that little part in my brain to decide it really did want to stop and then the desire just turned off. Still, I feel like such a fucking idiot. Who starts again after that long?! Why would anyone do it?

Come on hometime....